You were loved
by Kinky-bootz88
Summary: A Blair /Chuck one shot


A/N: I own the story and the words. The rest belongs to C/W. The end of this was sort of inspired by Robert Patterson's "Let me sign". I don't really get it either but my mind is a strange thing. R/R please

Irony was the only thing I could think of when I had gotten Serena's call. I found it ironic, almost kind of funny at first. But then reality hit. She was dying because of me. Some higher force was punishing me for my mistakes. I knew if she could hear me she would call me self-centered, but it felt like the guilt was going to kill me. I just wished it would hurry up. I hadn't done everything I could in the past, actually I did quite the opposite. It didn't even come close to being perfect for her. I hurt her more than I could have imagined. Serena was angry because she blamed me, she thought it was my fault. I knew it was in a way but not the way she meant. I walked about the annoyingly florescent halls, following a nurse who was showing me to her room. She opened the door and showed me in. She shut the door behind me.

This site before me took me by surprise. Blair was lying in the bed, looking weak and venerable. I rubbed my face. This was not what I expected. I know it was stupid but I expected her to still be Blair. To yell at me and order me away, to say I was a disgusting rodent who deserves to rot in the fiery pits of hell. Instead she was lying perfectly still, her porcelain face not moving. Remaining unchanged every time I blinked expecting change.

I forced down the wave of vomit, as I walked slowly into the room. I shut the door behind me and stood staring at her pale face. I know it was completely the wrong thing to think of but it struck me how she looked ever more beautiful now. In the two years we had been apart, she had not changed, yet seems completely different now. I took the seat beside her bed pulling it as close as possible to her. I traced my fingers over her face, scared to touch her in case she broke. I sighed "This is not how it is meant to be Blair. You're meant to live, and I'm meant to die. You do not deserve this. Death is too good for my sins."

I lifted one of her hands and placed it to my cheek. Her skin was cold, it felt so frail. I heard the door open but I could not take my eyes of her face. I was waiting for her eyes to open and her to tell me to go away. The person closed the door behind them. I heard the familiar voice speak. "It seems like you got here in time. They say she only has a couple of hours. They took her off life support this morning. It's going to happen some time today." I could tell from Serena's voice that she had been crying. I focused on the tiny freckle on Blair's face. I was scared that if I stopped I would lose all control.

"It should be me" was all I could manage to choke out. I knew it made no difference now but it should have. I took a deep breath and lifted my hand from her face to rub my own. Trying to stop the unwanted tears from filling up in my eyes. I did not cry, I went out and got off my face.

"No kidding Chuck" Serena spat out. Her voice was full of venom and hatred. Who blamed her? If any of us were going to die like this it certainly shouldn't be her.

"How did this happen" I asked not really wanting an answer "I know we were always careful. I have went over it again and again since you rang"

"She got involved with some bad people, and went to some bad places. In one of the clubs she got stabbed with a dirty needle. She was too embarrassed to tell anyone and well look at her. She has Aids Chuck. This is the end" her voice breaking at the end. Blair had gone through hell for so long on her own. I wasn't there; I had let her down again.

"How long have you known"

I heard Serena move further across the room to sit on one of the chairs against the wall. I heard her inhale a sharp breath "A few months. I had known there was something wrong for well over a year and a half but she said it was just some virus that wouldn't go away. I guess she was right in a way." There was a pause. I couldn't stop a stray tear fall from my eye and slid down my face until it fell and hit Blair's finger. I moved my thumb to rub it away as Serena's broken voice spoke again barely above a whisper "When she started coughing up blood, and wouldn't let me take her to the hospital, I knew it was serious. She had gotten tested but it was a free clinic and when her meds ran out she couldn't get anymore. She bought some from a dodgy dealer, they were completely trash, only made things worse. She tried to hide her symptoms with pain killers and when I found out I got the meds for her but it was too late. The damage had been done. Her immune system had shut down. She got the flu and a nasty chest infection, and well this is her now"

I fought back more tears. I put my head down on top of my hand, to hide the tears from Serena. Her skin was so cold against my forehead. That stopped my head from spinning. I was fighting not to pass out. I owed her something. I wished there was something I could do. I wish I could take her illness and make it mine. I would give anything to make her live. She was destined for so much more than this. Now she was not going to go to Yale, not going to Prom, she wouldn't be Prom Queen like she had dreamed about since she was five. She was not going to even see her eighteenth birthday.

"What's happening to her? I mean I know she is dying but her body, what's happening?"

Serena started to explain everything like she was a doctor. I knew she had probably not left Blair's side since she found out. She had been to every appointment and now was watching her die. "Well her legs gave up about a month ago. She had been in a wheelchair until last week when she came in her. She developed Hepatitis C, and got depressed. She started to drink and that made things ten times worse. Now her lungs are barely moving air, which is why she was on the life-support, but Eleanor decided to take her off it yesterday. She is dying Chuck"

"But people with Aids can live for years" I stammered out

"Yes, when they take the right meds, and don't drink or smoke" Serena said sadly "She didn't want to live Chuck, she didn't have the fight left in her. Doctors believe a lot of what keeps people alive is their state of mind. She didn't want to fight. She let the disease take over. She was done with this life, the pain, the suffering. She is just done"

"What can we do? What about blood. I haven't had any weed in three days. That's enough time right"

"She doesn't need blood. She needs a proper good bye" Serena said wiping more tears violently away from her face. "I'm gonna go ring Dan, get him to bring me some fresh clothes. Will you sit with her? Say your good bye?"

"Of course" I whispered as Serena got up. I didn't even take my eyes off Blair. Serena left the room shutting the door behind her. The room was silent again except for the machines that were keeping Blair alive. I stared at her face for a few minutes, wanting to commit it to my memory. I didn't want to miss any part of it. I put my head back down onto her hand and let out a sigh "Blair, I'm so sorry" I knew there was one more thing I needed to say. I looked up quickly to make sure Serena was not in ear shot. I leaned in and kissed her check gently "I love you too"

The days seemed to blur into one but that made it worse. The nurse this morning said that Blair had been doing well considering she had been off the life support for two and half days, but now her breathing was getting shallow. We had all been waiting for this, but knowing it was coming didn't make it any easier. Serena had spent so much time pacing the floors, I was surprised the friction hadn't started a fire. Humphery had checked in every couple of times a day, or what I presumed to be a day, to make sure Serena was ok, and bring her food that remained uneatten.

I had been trying to prepare myself for this since I had gotten on the plane but even my worst nightmare would not prepare me for this. I was watching the only girl who was anything more than just sex, die right in front of my eyes. I hadn't really slept since I got here because I didn't want to miss anything, but when my eyes drooped closed I was haunted by the same image haunting me when I was awake. The fact that the girl I love was about to die right in front of me. I wished there was something I could do to change things, to change places with her. I wish I could go back and unsay so many things, to say all the things I should have. I wish I could have changed the past but now it was too late. The past was gone and the future was slipping with every second that passed.

The hours ticked by like seconds until we knew she only had a few minutes left. Serena sat in the chair by the corner not able to look at Blair's face. I found myself doing the opposite. I could barely take my eyes off her face. I knew her every inch of her face but if I took my eyes off them I couldn't remember her face. I knew it was just grief but I scared that I would forget her face. I leant up and kissed her forehead gently. I rubbed my hand over her cold face "Good bye Blair"

She took a deep breath and let it out. I climbed on the bed beside her and held her as she drew in one last breath and let it out. I waited by there was no more breaths. She was gone. I did not want to let her go. I was finally holding her after so long, but she was gone. Serena was sobbing quietly in the corner. After a while I got up from the bed and tucked the blankets around her, my tears falling onto her still face. I kissed her lips one more time. I walked over to the chair and scooped Serena into my arms. "We need to go tell Nate and Eleanor"

"You were loved" I whispered looking back at her as we left the room "And not just by me/"


End file.
